The first wave....

It's been a week now, that I have been single, that is. The first day was the worst. I laid in bed crying and feeling sorry for myself. I walked around my house remembering every detail of the past 4.5 years of my life and how she was no longer here to make life whole. I woke up the next day and decided that the only way for me to show her that I can be what she wants me to be is to do the Love Dare Bible Study. There were a few problems with this; first, I was doing a Bible Study solely in the name of getting her back, second, I was doing a study for couples, something that I was not a part of anymore, and finally, I was putting her, yet again, before God. I was idolizing her, as I had for some time. On top of all of these atrocities, I prayed to God, not for his will, but for my will. (Don't get me wrong, now, if you are in a relationship, one of the best things you can do, if you and your partner are willing, is do the Love Dare, I am just no longer in a position to do it myself)

Two of the most memorable quotes I have ever heard are:

"What you put most of your time, effort, and money into is what you love the most. If that isn't God, he isn't your number one."

and

"You have to lose the thing you love the most in order to realize how much you need God."

These two principles have been ingrained in me for the past week. I went so far as to use God, USE GOD to get back someone that I loved, but had put before him. The biggest piece of information I can share with those reading, by this point, is that God is number one, he is the end-all, be-all of your life, and he is jealous. He will not be second to you, your wife, your family, your addiction, your money, your lifestyle...and the biggest part of it all is that there are no negotiations. God created us in his image and he laid out what he expected from us, not in a condescending, controlling way, but in a loving way. God didn't take away my relationship because he was jealous, I destroyed it because I thought I could love without understanding, embracing, and loving the One who made me, loves me unconditionally, and made love. 

Last night, I prayed for God's will. I recognize that I will hurt, I will cry, and I will miss her greatly but at the same time, although this road will not be an easy one, I will make it as long as I hold strong to God.

I still love her. I have prayed for her daily, even more than I have prayed for myself. I pray for her strength, her wisdom, her faith and trust in God, and I pray that God will send her a Godly man. I actually pray for God to send her someone else, I want her to have better than me, better than I was, I want her to find a spiritual leader who can show her God's light. I am starting to understand what real love is. That is mainly because I have finally accepted God's love, which is the one true love.

I still hurt, I still miss her, I still want her back, I still see her everywhere I go, and I still want a second chance but it really isn't about what I want, now, is it? God has a plan for my life and I am willing to follow because whether God leads me right back to her arms or leads me in and out of countless relationships until I find my match, it is all part of the greater plan. I find myself thinking of a song I sang when I was younger, you may recognize it:

1. I have decided to follow Jesus;
   I have decided to follow Jesus;
   I have decided to follow Jesus;
   No turning back, no turning back.
2. Though I may wonder, I still will follow;
   Though I may wonder, I still will follow;
   Though I may wonder, I still will follow;
   No turning back, no turning back.
3. The world behind me, the cross before me;
   The world behind me, the cross before me;
   The world behind me, the cross before me;
   No turning back, no turning back.
4. Though none go with me, still I will follow;
   Though none go with me, still I will follow;
   Though none go with me, still I will follow;
   No turning back, no turning back.
5. Will you decide now to follow Jesus?
   Will you decide now to follow Jesus?
   Will you decide now to follow Jesus?
   No turning back, no turning back.

I know the only answer is Yes.

I am still broken.

I have faith in God.