From the calm, to the Storm...

I am working on finding myself. To do that I have to know who made me, why he loves me, and what he made me for. I have learned that no matter what you do, no matter how you make your life right for yourself, if God is not number one, you aren't living at all. Someone very special to me once said "If God isn't in this, we can't make it". I didn't take heed to her words then, and now we are no longer together. To understand me, to understand the Storm, you have to know the entire story. Over the next days, weeks, months, even years of my life, I will be on a journey to find what it means to be a man of God's word. I hope that during my journey, I may share with someone what I know, what I am learning, and what I have been through. I am not yet the man God intended me to be at the point of my creation but I am on the road and I want to share my journey with others in hopes that I may help someone out there who needs to know God's love.

I am broken. This is my story:

We met in 2006. We were both in high school; she was 17, I was 15. During one of the most confusing times of our lives, we somehow came together and helped each other through the rest of our adolescence. She had been through a rebellious stage; partying,  and completely disregarding those most important in her life. I was one out of twenty-five hundred students; I felt insignificant and all I wanted was to know what women wanted and be just that. She had dated a few people, but mainly one guy-the kind of guy who makes you think he loves you while he tells everyone else that he is just a friend. I dated a few girls on and off, each time trying to figure out exactly what women wanted, and learn to be just that. We started talking on a social networking website as friends on September 21, 2006. Finally, we went out on a "friend date" to a local drive-in where the outcome was less than desirable for such hopeless romantics such as ourselves. Three months later, we were on our first date as a steady couple. We saw "The Holiday", a movie that later became a weekly viewing pleasure... On that night I got my first kiss.

To say we were "fast and fresh" would be an understatement. Our hormones were spinning out of control and before we knew it we had become pretty experienced, exchanged "I love you"'s, and wrecked her car while trying to get away from the park patrol at our favorite "hideout". Five months later, we both lost, well, gave up our virginity to one another. By this point, no one in the world could make us believe that we would ever be inseparable. We continued our sexual explorations for the remainder of the relationship. For three years we lied about having sex, until we finally opened up to our parents. Looking back, we started our relationship in lies and it contributed to our demise.

The next few years consisted of love, ideas and hopes of marriage, including my purchase of a promise ring, and accepting each other as part of our lives-forever. Finally, our breaking point (the point at which a relationship goes from good, to weekly, sometimes daily fighting and arguing) was in July of 2010. She had spent three years at community college and was ready for a change, while I had only finished three semesters and was not ready to move forward just yet. She called me one day and said "I am moving out of town for school." Obviously, for so many reasons, the main one being the crushing reality that we may not be as inseparable as I had hoped, I was upset with her decision. I began to resent her for splitting us apart, even though it was just an hour away, and many of the weeks that followed were filled with fighting and hurt. 

Once she finally moved, I visited on and off and finally realized that we had our own place to play "house". I could come over when I wanted, we could stay up all night or in the bed all day; we could do exactly what we wanted. It was ignorant bliss, ignorant, that is, of what was soon to come. Soon after that, I noticed she was going out with friends and meeting new people, while I, on the other had, was working and taking online classes, and having no friends. Pictures of here were popping up on Facebook and I noticed she was not wearing her ring in any of them. Talk about a wake up call that I basically checked the caller id and blocked the number to. She said, at first, that no one would talk to her if she wore it, because she looked like a "fuddy duddy", then it was the fact that it was too big and she didnt want to lose it, so I had it sized a half size too small just to make it too hard to get off. BIG mistake. 

Let me stop right here and say that if anyone ever has told you that you cannot hold on to something or someone to make them love you and commit to you, they were right, so just listen.

Our main issue, one of the biggest contributors to our downfall, was the fact that she was a wild spirit; she wanted to meet people, go out, and get the college experience, while I, on the other hand, was a recluse; I worked a 9 to 5, took a few online classes, and simply refused to go out and meet anyone. Over the Christmas break, we found ourselves alone at the apartment alot. The roommates were back at their homes and we had a place to play house without any interferences. Soon after that, we both started classes again and saw each other 3-4 days a week. Even up to March of 2011, somewhere in our hearts, we wanted to make it work and get married. I can note this because she painted a picture of us in wedding clothes for my birthday gift. Things fell apart just weeks later.

We agreed to take a break, to still be friends, and to still spend the night together, but to take a "break". Im still not sure what that means... We saw each other the next day and she told me that we were "dead". Less than 12 hours later, she told me she thought we were supposed to be together and end up together but she was confused, and she invited me to her families Easter dinner. I later found out that her feelings for me were gone. She still said she loved me and she still called me to talk. At this point, all we have together is a distance between us that we never could have imagined. We both wish it could have ended up different and I will admit that every time the phone rings, every car that pulls up, every knock on my door, I hope its her, coming back to say its time to work on things and get back where we belong. That wont happen.

My heart is broken.

I am broken.

Even in the middle of this Storm, I see the Son.