God using me, rather than me using God...

I would like to take some time and share with you some of the words that came to me today from God. I really don't understand their purpose, whether they are part of a sermon I may have heard, or words that God needed me to hear, or words that God wanted you to read, but whatever their purpose, I feel compelled to share them with you.

"No matter how far you are, no matter how lost you may be, God is always there for you. His love for you is unconditional and He is standing there always with His arms around you. On the other hand, we tend to perceive God as being a frail old man who loves us no matter what we may do to Him, or don't do to Him. But the fact is God is a jealous God; no idols or man is to come before Him in our lives; study the story of Solomon, son of David, if you don't think so. Why is it then that we continue to defy Him? Why is it our nature to speak of our love for Him, then turn our backs to His calling for us? Why is it that we make excuses for our sins based on our expectance for His forgiveness? God sent His pure Son to the world. Jesus Christ was and is the only person to walk this earth and life a perfect life. 

God gave Jesus Christ to die for sins that He, not only never committed, but was virtually incapable of committing! God's perfect Son was whipped, beaten, a crown of thorns was placed on His head, and He was mocked and disgraced as He carried His cross from the town to that hill. God's perfect Son then laid his beaten body against that tree, stretched out His arms, and bellowed out as three nails were driven into His perfect body. He was lifted for all to watch as the blood dripped from His body, and His last breaths were taken. Jesus Christ took those nails for us. For us! He took it for every sin that had, and was to be committed by God's children. Why then can't we turn our eyes from sin? Was it not enough that God had to watch His Son die for the sins of others? Was it not enough that Jesus carried our sins away to the grave? 

Every time we sin, every lie we tell, every time we lust, or cheat, or steal, or covet, or turn our eyes from God and His will, those nails are driven into His Son's body. Close your eyes and imagine our Savior laying on that cross, arms laid out, and think about the sins we voluntarily commit! Then look down at Him, then to your hands. The hammer is in one hand, and the nail in the other. Hear the hammer hit the nail, hear His cry.

 Jesus died for our sins, yet we take that for granted and we say "Well, it's ok. God will forgive me." NO. Why is it so easy for us to expect God's forgiveness when we sin? Are we really worthy of it when we continually try to break His word? God deserves our worship, but more so, than anything, He deserves our begging for His forgiveness for our sins and our anguish over our actions, not our expectance for His forgiveness. By this time, we have all committed some sin, even while we were reading this, and before the night is over, we will have sinned once more. We are all broken people, subject to fail and disobey God, but we shouldn't lower the standard to excuse our actions or expect Him to forgive us, because 

He really didn't have to forgive us did He?

He really didn't have to watch a perfect lamb fall for our wrongdoings did He? 

It is His love for us, His unconditional love for us that made Him choose to send a Savior, but let's strive to appreciate that daily, and push ourselves, and one another to raise the bar and try even harder to live in His image; that is, of course, how he made us, isn't it?"

I don't take credit for those words. God used my mind, and my mouth to say those things that needed to be heard, by me, and maybe by you. It was through Him that they came and through Him that they can speak to me and you and mean something to us.

The carpenter's craft...

Every day, things get a little easier. I trust that God knows what is best for me and that He will lead me to be the man he intends me to be. I still think about my lost love on and off throughout the day but the hardest part is night. Each night I spend a few hours praying, reading, and writing this blog. Every night I wake up hour after hour checking the phone, hoping that she has called me and I dream about her being with me. I still long for the day that she calls and says that she wants to go through this life experience with me but I realize that for her, there is a substantial amount of hurt and disappointment, and along with her own fears, it may not be God's will.

I am on a journey to not only find myself and find God, but to learn to trust God's will for me and at the same time, learn what it truly means to follow Him. I am currently reading Radical, a book that emphasizes Jesus' calling to our following Him and what exactly He instructs us to do. This book has changed my life thus far and I am learning so much that now seems so simple and rational, according to basic biblical principles, yet somehow we as Christians tend to overlook. While I am excited to learn what God really means when He says "follow me" yet I am scared because I have lived a life believing in "once saved, always saved". I can only imagine what more there is to find.

Some aspects of the book have me wondering, "How can I really abandon all of my belongings in a modern world? In today's world, I can't necessarily up and sell everything...I wont be able to eat! I understand the basic gist of the lifestyle though so I am planning on donating more of my time, money, and energy to benefit others in the name of God. 

I found myself enjoying the nature around me today. At work, I couldn't stand to stay inside for too long without taking a break to go out and enjoy God's creation. After work, I took my things outside and studied Radical and then spent more time just taking in everything I saw, knowing that God made all of my surroundings with purpose-just like he made me with purpose. 

I pray that this journey may be one, not to bring me to what I thought was a closeness with God, but to what He determines a true relationship. I no longer want to just know God, I want to make Him proud to call me His son.

If I may again, tonight, I would like to ask you to take a moment before closing this page and just touch your screen, touch this blog. First, ask God to bless these words, not only for my own growth, but for the hopeful benefit of a reader out there who may need to see God at work in another life before making the step for change in their own life. Please pray for my strength and my growth as a man of God's will. Please pray for my lost love's growth as a woman of God's will. Finally, if there is some trouble in your walk tonight, pray that God may help you back to the path and use you as and instrument of His design for the benefit of His glory. I will pray for your growth tonight and I will pray that God crafts us together into His own design, rather than our own.

God's work...one day at a time

If you have ever made a transition from lover to friend, you know exactly how hard it can be. I'll give each reader the benefit of the doubt that he or she may have never experienced this tragedy and therefore I will quickly explain the contents of such a predicament.

Normally when two people go from lover to friend, it is almost always in a case where one party is detached, for whatever reason, from the relationship and the other party is holding on to the relationship.

I am the other party. While I am still interested in, not so much returning to the relationship as it was, but rather reforming a friendship, rebuilding trust and other core elements to the relationship, and moving together towards a more spiritual lifestyle, she is practically has "one toe in the water". I think a number of things play as factors in her lack of interest in working on things just yet. I am continuing a friendly relationship with her because I feel that right now, I owe it to her to show her God's love and help her back to a stronger spirituality because I steered her away from God for so long. The toughest part about doing this is fighting my own feelings for her. Even in this time of trouble between us after the end of our relationship, she still tells me she loves me. Until that moment last night when she said "I love you." with a sound of deep affection and caring in her voice I was able to stay strong and keep my heart shielded from pain. I don't think that I can do what I feel God wants me to do without hurting. To help her, to show her God's love, I have to love her-maybe without showing that I am in love wither her-but she needs God's love and she needs to see a life of change in me and recognize all that God wants for each of us. Our romantic relationship may be over for now but it is my love for God and my love for her, through God, that I pray I can be a better person and bring about something for her to want the happiness I have found in God, and possibly reconnect to what we had, while moving forward in the light and trust of God and His will for us.

Most recently I have found God speaking to me; asking me to do various tasks. These are tasks that I recognize more so as "good deeds". First and foremost, I have never believed that good deeds can get you into Heaven. Nor do I believe that good deeds can be truly for the glory of God if they are publicized. I do believe that 

good deeds can help get someone else into Heaven.

Not that the deed itself furthers their relationship with God, but rather that the love of God can be shown and shared through that deed. Because I don't believe that publicizing the deed is right, I will simply state the I am embracing what God calls me to do to the best of my ability and I hope that my actions help others see the light. My trust is in God; daily I ask for strength and wisdom through His will and he answers. It has been one week and three days since I felt the darkness of depression and every day becomes a little easier through His power. I trust that God will make good come from this but tonight I prayed for something more. Not strength or wisdom-I prayed to feel a fire in my heart. I trust God, I pray to Him, and I know He is there, but I want the whole package. I don't want to develop a "genie" relationship with Him where I ask and either receive or don't. I want the passion that I see in so many Christians and I want him to move in my heart and soul. I pray that I can open my heart.

Tonight, I don't want to end with discussion or more information, I want to ask whoever may be reading to take a few minutes before they close out the page and pray for me. Pray that God molds me and uses me for His glory, pray that God strengthens my spirit so I can lead her, and others, towards Him, pray that I find a way to open my heart and soul so that I may be filled entirely with the grace of God, and finally, pray that God uses this blog to reach others and show his power. Before I close this page, I will pray for all of you out there, whether you are reading or not, may God use someone in your life to touch you and show you his power 

one day at a time...

Planting the seed...

If you have ever had  your heart broken, whether it been in the sixth grade, when Sally Jones stood you up to the school dance, or when you woke up one day and realized that your marriage was over, you know, to some extent, the struggle of moving on. When you are in love, it seems so easy to recognize the good; every love song that hits the radio, every bunch of flowers, every romantic movie you watch-it all reminds you of the warm feeling in your heart for your significant other. Well, as many readers know, the recognition of such things is also true during heartbreak. It seems that suddenly you are driving along, maybe you pull into your (and quite possibly your ex's) favorite drive-in and a "break-up" song comes on the radio... Very seldom is irony adequately proportioned to humor.

For me, I am at the extreme of the spectrum when it comes to irony during my struggle through heartbreak. I work in the jewelry industry: I sell engagement rings for a living. Wait, thats not all... Not only do I watch countless couples walk in, so deeply in love, picking out their diamond rings and wedding bands, I do this while listening to a great blend of background music ranging from Lionel Richie, singing "Still", to Michael Buble, singing "Everything". So the extent of my own personal struggle is in a heightened state of aggravation for 8 hours a day, six days a week.

For the most part, I am over the bitterness and over the hope for second chances. During the day, I still think about her and pray for her but I do my best to keep my mind busy when I am not praying. Nights are the hardest part right now. Dreaming leads to her, and that leads to waking up in the middle of the night hoping the past week and a half was all one big nightmare. But for the most part, I am coming to terms with the fact that the relationship is over and I can't change that. My new relationship is with God. I have no interest, at this point in my life, in finding someone to replace her, or make the feelings come back; I feel like God is saying "Just be alone with me right now." 

I will admit, even though I feel like something is missing from my life, I know God is filling the emptiness with His love and the love of my family. I find myself spending more time with my family. Just last night, we watched the animated version of the story of Joseph, from the book of Genesis. Tonight I am going to study the actual account from the Bible, but for now, let's base my experience on the movie since God introduced it to me through that means.

Joseph was blessed by God. His birth was a miracle and with life, God gave Joseph blessings and a gift. Joseph experienced the ultimate heartbreak, being sold into slavery by his own brothers, and then imprisoned for a wrongdoing he didn't commit. In the movie, Joseph nurtures a small twig while he is imprisoned and as he deals with the day to day struggle of his own life, which was filled with much more disappointment than my own, he watched the twig blossom into a beautiful tree. While watching this movie, I saw God saying a number of things to me. First, he was saying "Be grateful for all that I have blessed you with." but he was also saying "No matter how dark the night may be, the sun always rises."

So, today's goal for me involved planting two trees. One tree I bought as an early Mother's Day gift for my mother. The other, was for me. As I watch the Bradford Pear grow and bloom, and every time I see it, I will remember this experience. I will remember that in the dark, God's love shined and gave life to the seed inside me. 

As the tree blooms, so will I.

The first wave....

It's been a week now, that I have been single, that is. The first day was the worst. I laid in bed crying and feeling sorry for myself. I walked around my house remembering every detail of the past 4.5 years of my life and how she was no longer here to make life whole. I woke up the next day and decided that the only way for me to show her that I can be what she wants me to be is to do the Love Dare Bible Study. There were a few problems with this; first, I was doing a Bible Study solely in the name of getting her back, second, I was doing a study for couples, something that I was not a part of anymore, and finally, I was putting her, yet again, before God. I was idolizing her, as I had for some time. On top of all of these atrocities, I prayed to God, not for his will, but for my will. (Don't get me wrong, now, if you are in a relationship, one of the best things you can do, if you and your partner are willing, is do the Love Dare, I am just no longer in a position to do it myself)

Two of the most memorable quotes I have ever heard are:

"What you put most of your time, effort, and money into is what you love the most. If that isn't God, he isn't your number one."

and

"You have to lose the thing you love the most in order to realize how much you need God."

These two principles have been ingrained in me for the past week. I went so far as to use God, USE GOD to get back someone that I loved, but had put before him. The biggest piece of information I can share with those reading, by this point, is that God is number one, he is the end-all, be-all of your life, and he is jealous. He will not be second to you, your wife, your family, your addiction, your money, your lifestyle...and the biggest part of it all is that there are no negotiations. God created us in his image and he laid out what he expected from us, not in a condescending, controlling way, but in a loving way. God didn't take away my relationship because he was jealous, I destroyed it because I thought I could love without understanding, embracing, and loving the One who made me, loves me unconditionally, and made love. 

Last night, I prayed for God's will. I recognize that I will hurt, I will cry, and I will miss her greatly but at the same time, although this road will not be an easy one, I will make it as long as I hold strong to God.

I still love her. I have prayed for her daily, even more than I have prayed for myself. I pray for her strength, her wisdom, her faith and trust in God, and I pray that God will send her a Godly man. I actually pray for God to send her someone else, I want her to have better than me, better than I was, I want her to find a spiritual leader who can show her God's light. I am starting to understand what real love is. That is mainly because I have finally accepted God's love, which is the one true love.

I still hurt, I still miss her, I still want her back, I still see her everywhere I go, and I still want a second chance but it really isn't about what I want, now, is it? God has a plan for my life and I am willing to follow because whether God leads me right back to her arms or leads me in and out of countless relationships until I find my match, it is all part of the greater plan. I find myself thinking of a song I sang when I was younger, you may recognize it:

1. I have decided to follow Jesus;
   I have decided to follow Jesus;
   I have decided to follow Jesus;
   No turning back, no turning back.
2. Though I may wonder, I still will follow;
   Though I may wonder, I still will follow;
   Though I may wonder, I still will follow;
   No turning back, no turning back.
3. The world behind me, the cross before me;
   The world behind me, the cross before me;
   The world behind me, the cross before me;
   No turning back, no turning back.
4. Though none go with me, still I will follow;
   Though none go with me, still I will follow;
   Though none go with me, still I will follow;
   No turning back, no turning back.
5. Will you decide now to follow Jesus?
   Will you decide now to follow Jesus?
   Will you decide now to follow Jesus?
   No turning back, no turning back.

I know the only answer is Yes.

I am still broken.

I have faith in God.

From the calm, to the Storm...

I am working on finding myself. To do that I have to know who made me, why he loves me, and what he made me for. I have learned that no matter what you do, no matter how you make your life right for yourself, if God is not number one, you aren't living at all. Someone very special to me once said "If God isn't in this, we can't make it". I didn't take heed to her words then, and now we are no longer together. To understand me, to understand the Storm, you have to know the entire story. Over the next days, weeks, months, even years of my life, I will be on a journey to find what it means to be a man of God's word. I hope that during my journey, I may share with someone what I know, what I am learning, and what I have been through. I am not yet the man God intended me to be at the point of my creation but I am on the road and I want to share my journey with others in hopes that I may help someone out there who needs to know God's love.

I am broken. This is my story:

We met in 2006. We were both in high school; she was 17, I was 15. During one of the most confusing times of our lives, we somehow came together and helped each other through the rest of our adolescence. She had been through a rebellious stage; partying,  and completely disregarding those most important in her life. I was one out of twenty-five hundred students; I felt insignificant and all I wanted was to know what women wanted and be just that. She had dated a few people, but mainly one guy-the kind of guy who makes you think he loves you while he tells everyone else that he is just a friend. I dated a few girls on and off, each time trying to figure out exactly what women wanted, and learn to be just that. We started talking on a social networking website as friends on September 21, 2006. Finally, we went out on a "friend date" to a local drive-in where the outcome was less than desirable for such hopeless romantics such as ourselves. Three months later, we were on our first date as a steady couple. We saw "The Holiday", a movie that later became a weekly viewing pleasure... On that night I got my first kiss.

To say we were "fast and fresh" would be an understatement. Our hormones were spinning out of control and before we knew it we had become pretty experienced, exchanged "I love you"'s, and wrecked her car while trying to get away from the park patrol at our favorite "hideout". Five months later, we both lost, well, gave up our virginity to one another. By this point, no one in the world could make us believe that we would ever be inseparable. We continued our sexual explorations for the remainder of the relationship. For three years we lied about having sex, until we finally opened up to our parents. Looking back, we started our relationship in lies and it contributed to our demise.

The next few years consisted of love, ideas and hopes of marriage, including my purchase of a promise ring, and accepting each other as part of our lives-forever. Finally, our breaking point (the point at which a relationship goes from good, to weekly, sometimes daily fighting and arguing) was in July of 2010. She had spent three years at community college and was ready for a change, while I had only finished three semesters and was not ready to move forward just yet. She called me one day and said "I am moving out of town for school." Obviously, for so many reasons, the main one being the crushing reality that we may not be as inseparable as I had hoped, I was upset with her decision. I began to resent her for splitting us apart, even though it was just an hour away, and many of the weeks that followed were filled with fighting and hurt. 

Once she finally moved, I visited on and off and finally realized that we had our own place to play "house". I could come over when I wanted, we could stay up all night or in the bed all day; we could do exactly what we wanted. It was ignorant bliss, ignorant, that is, of what was soon to come. Soon after that, I noticed she was going out with friends and meeting new people, while I, on the other had, was working and taking online classes, and having no friends. Pictures of here were popping up on Facebook and I noticed she was not wearing her ring in any of them. Talk about a wake up call that I basically checked the caller id and blocked the number to. She said, at first, that no one would talk to her if she wore it, because she looked like a "fuddy duddy", then it was the fact that it was too big and she didnt want to lose it, so I had it sized a half size too small just to make it too hard to get off. BIG mistake. 

Let me stop right here and say that if anyone ever has told you that you cannot hold on to something or someone to make them love you and commit to you, they were right, so just listen.

Our main issue, one of the biggest contributors to our downfall, was the fact that she was a wild spirit; she wanted to meet people, go out, and get the college experience, while I, on the other hand, was a recluse; I worked a 9 to 5, took a few online classes, and simply refused to go out and meet anyone. Over the Christmas break, we found ourselves alone at the apartment alot. The roommates were back at their homes and we had a place to play house without any interferences. Soon after that, we both started classes again and saw each other 3-4 days a week. Even up to March of 2011, somewhere in our hearts, we wanted to make it work and get married. I can note this because she painted a picture of us in wedding clothes for my birthday gift. Things fell apart just weeks later.

We agreed to take a break, to still be friends, and to still spend the night together, but to take a "break". Im still not sure what that means... We saw each other the next day and she told me that we were "dead". Less than 12 hours later, she told me she thought we were supposed to be together and end up together but she was confused, and she invited me to her families Easter dinner. I later found out that her feelings for me were gone. She still said she loved me and she still called me to talk. At this point, all we have together is a distance between us that we never could have imagined. We both wish it could have ended up different and I will admit that every time the phone rings, every car that pulls up, every knock on my door, I hope its her, coming back to say its time to work on things and get back where we belong. That wont happen.

My heart is broken.

I am broken.

Even in the middle of this Storm, I see the Son.